Revisions 12/5/16

Nominalization:

There was even a phenomenon that occurred with the creation of shower…

When the showers were created, a phenomenon occurred around people showering on the daily.

It/is:

In the 1760s, due to the innovation of a hand pumped shower head, it was quite the luxury, having one was a sign of wealth.

In the 1760s, due the innovation of the luxurious hand-pumped shower head, having one was a sign of wealth.

This/that:

I have learned that since people have access to warm water and sometimes even scorching hot water to shower, this dries out the skin and if this is done daily, it leads to continuous dry skin…

Since people have access to warm and sometimes scorching hot water, this daily ritual leads to continuous dry skin…

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One thought on “Revisions 12/5/16

  1. Good! I’m going to press you slightly on that first revision. Currently, you have:

    There was even a phenomenon that occurred with the creation of shower…

    When the showers were created, a phenomenon occurred around people showering on the daily.

    Your current revision keeps your subject a little muddy and unclear. Both refer to a phenomenon, but neither tells what that is, or what made it so dramatic! So you could either make your subject “the creation of the shower,” or you could make it the phenomenon itself, but in either case you want to emphasize the action.

    If you’d like to emphasize the phenomenon, you could start with something like, “An unexpected phenomenon accompanied the creation of the shower:…” A description of that phenomenon would then follow the colon.

    But if you’d like to make the shower the subject that performs the action (which it sort of did, didn’t it?), you could use the same structure but prioritize the tech itself: “Shower heads created an an unexpected phenomenon:”

    Be sure that you allow your sentences to build momentum– so let your subjects enact action, and then describe the effects of that action to your readers!

    Like

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