12/4 Edits

Brittney Williams

12/4 Edits

Nominalization-

Original: Whether the use is merely production based or application to research in surgical development, the environmental, cultural, and economic affects must be considered in order to determine whether the technology is considered successful; however, there is not much to consider.

 

Revision: Whether developers are applying three dimensional printers to surgical development or focusing on producing technological components, the environmental, cultural, and economic affects must be considered in order to determine whether the technology is seen as successful; however, there is not much to consider.

 

Original: The fear of an increasing amount of plastic in circulation is addressed by Jer Faludi, author of “The Environmental Impacts of 3D Printing” when she explains that…

 

Revision: The fear of an increasing amount of plastic is addressed by Jer Faludi, author of “The Environmental Impacts of 3D Printing” when she explains that…

 

Original: Even though it has not been in circulation for as long as many other technologies, it can still be considered a great success due to its large impact, both economically and culturally

 

Revision: Although the three dimensional printer was invented later than many other technologies, it can still be considered a great success due to its large impact, both economically and culturally.

 

“It, is, this, that”-

 

Original: Whether the use is merely production based or application to research in surgical development, the environmental, cultural, and economic affects must be considered in order to determine whether the technology is considered successful; however, there is not much to consider.

 

Revision: Whether developers are applying three dimensional printers to surgical development or focusing on producing technological components, the environmental, cultural, and economic affects must be considered in order to determine whether the technology is seen as successful; however, there is not much to consider.

 

Original: As with most technologies, there is a common fear of the negative impact it may have on the environment

 

Revision: As with most technology, a common fear of the development’s negative impact on the environment arises.

 

Original: Upon further research, it was found that in order to reduce the environmental impact of 3D printing, producing hollow material could significantly lower energy usage, and using materials made of wood pulp could lessen the impact of waste.

 

Revision: Upon further investigation, researchers found that in order to reduce the environmental impact of three dimensional printing, producing hollow materials made of wood pulp could revolutionize the technology.

 

“says, said”- I didn’t use either one of these. 🙂

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One thought on “12/4 Edits

  1. Most of these are improved! Keep pushing at this revision, and any that are like it:

    As with most technology, a common fear of the development’s negative impact on the environment arises.

    This sentence is pretty tangled, since the passive voice obscures the subject. Who is fearful? Add people back into the sentence, and explain exactly what they find so frightening! It will make it much clearer, and much more interesting.

    Like

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