Revisions

Our society values and the use of guns has vastly changed over the past 200 years, we now must ask ourselves if this is a system we want to be apart of.

Correction: Our society’s values considering the use of guns has vastly changed over the past 200 years, we now must ask ourselves if a better system exist?

It is in our basic rights to bear arms, however bearing arms to protect yourself from another person with a firearm is simply prolonging the cycle that is happening in our country.

Correction: Our basic rights to bear arms, that allows Americans to protect themselves, has begun a never ending cycle in our country. Where the only way to feel safe is through self protection.

Most companies value their overall profit, to the basis consumer. A company will do whatever it takes to go the extra mile and target a certain market, and in this case women got the short end of the stick, like they usually do.

Correction: Most companies value their overall profit, to their consumer. A company will  go the extra mile in order to target a certain market, meaning in many cases women getting the short of the stick, like they usually do.

 

 

 

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One thought on “Revisions

  1. I want to use your first example to highlight different styles of revision. I’d like you to try simplifying and shortneing your sentence rather than swapping around the words.

    Your original sentence was:
    Our society values and the use of guns has vastly changed over the past 200 years, we now must ask ourselves if this is a system we want to be apart of.

    In your revision, you substitute “is” for “exists” to maintain the word count and the complexity. But a different way to do that would be to cut the extra verb. So the sentence becomes:

    Our society values concerning the use of guns has vastly changed over the past 200 years. We now must ask ourselves if we want to remain a part of this system.

    This revision puts the onus on your subject, the “we” who has to make a decision. This change also keeps the emphasis on desire for change, or “want,: rather than acceptance of an “is.” Try a similar maneuver with any of your other sentences you were struggling with. And remember: the words we are focusing are not bad, they just indicate areas of the paper that could use more detail.

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