Sentence Revisions

Original: Even when not thinking of its ability to transmit disease, the sight of the needle still induces fear in some people.

Correction: Even when not thinking about how the needle is able to transmit disease, it still induces fear in some people.

Original: In his experiment, it was shown that this method of injecting fluids into the body was extremely effective, as the solution was quickly circulated throughout the body, allowing it to rapidly take effect (Gibson, 334).

Correction: In his experiment, it was shown that this method of injecting fluids into the body was extremely effective, as the solution was quickly circulated throughout the body which allowed the drug to rapidly take effect (Gibson, 334).

Original: This demonstrates a detrimental effect of the needle that starkly contrasts its beneficial uses for treating and curing diseases.

Corrected: The fact that the needle is a key factor in spreading disease demonstrates a detrimental effect that starkly contrasts its beneficial uses for treating and curing diseases.

Original: Pair this with the knowledge of how expensive it is to treat diseases caused by “dirty” needles and how much physical and emotional pain patients are put through, and the concept of reusable needles easily fades away.

Corrected: Pair this low cost of needles with the knowledge of how expensive it is to treat diseases caused by “dirty” needles and how much physical and emotional pain patients are put through, and the concept of reusable needles easily fades away.

I did not use “says” or “states” within my essay 🙂

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2 thoughts on “Sentence Revisions

  1. Where these two miscategorized? The version you have marked as “original” is much clearer:

    Original: Even when not thinking of its ability to transmit disease, the sight of the needle still induces fear in some people.

    Correction: Even when not thinking about how the needle is able to transmit disease, it still induces fear in some people.

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