Sentence revision in-class activity

This guided revision helped me refine and enrich my essay. This afternoon, I even found myself using some of these same techniques in an essay for an entirely different class. Following are some of the revisions that I made to my paper based on today’s activity.

Often part of a visitor’s first impression, a clean crisp elevator can convey the impression of a modern facility and increases overall user satisfaction. The clean crisp elevator one sees upon entering a building indicates a modern facility and leads to a more satisfying user experience.

It is vitally important that there be diversity among store patrons (i.e. a combination of workers and residents) to keep the stores full at all hours of the day. Vitally important to a successful business, store patrons must include both workers and residents in order to keep stores full at all hours of the day.

The steady stream of people is what leads to a vibrant downtown. The steady stream of people filling sidewalks and frequenting stores leads to a vibrant downtown.

Not surprisingly, “Safety is still the most important consideration for elevator designers,” (Sachs). Today’s public prioritizes safety as much as Otis’s first customers. Sachs illuminates the focus on safety as he pronounces, “Safety is still the most important consideration for elevator designers,” (Sachs).

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