Sentence Revisions

Is, it, this, that

  • Original:The ultrasound is portrayed in popular culture time and time again as a way to determine the gender of the baby that will soon be coming into the world.
    • Edited:The ultrasound has been portrayed in popular culture time and time again as a way to determine the gender of the baby, whom will soon be joining the world.
  • Original: However, in today’s society there has been a gender division, and it seems that the most important thing about the baby is what color clothes you will be buying it.
    • Edited: However, in today’s society there has been a gender division and  this gender division has caused the most important thing about the baby, to become what color clothes the child will be wearing.
  • Original: However, this technology has also led to a social issue on whether or not a mother will even be able to afford to have access to receiving an ultrasound.
    • Edited: However, medical technology has also led to a social issue on whether or not a mother will even be able to afford to have access to receiving an ultrasound.
  • Original:Social issues arise with the changing culture new technology brings and it is unclear what will happen if this technology continues to develop even further.
    • Edited: Social issues arise with changing culture and new technology, medical technology such as, the ultrasound bring unclear thoughts on what will happen if technology in general continues to develop even further

tion, ism, ity, ize

  • Original: Society has built a culture of expectation and those do not follow are exiled.
    • Edited: Society expects culture to conform to the standards that are constantly changing and being set, and those whom do not follow these roles are exiled.
  • Original:The sex of the child has become a cultural necessity and has brought many changes to society including a new focus.
    • Edited: Knowing the sex of the child has become a necessary part of culture and has brought changes to society including a new focus on what is truly important.
  • Original: One of the predictions they made as to why one would not receive an ultrasound was, “Possible explanations for the failure to receive an ultrasound examination include…..
    • Edited: The authors predicted why one had not received an ultrasound by explaining, ““Possible explanations for the failure to receive an ultrasound examination include…..

States, Says

  • Original: In the article “Why are Ultrasounds So Expensive?” Graham Jenson addresses a possible solution to the price of ultrasounds when he states, “Newcastle University is working on a $40-50 ultrasound which has gotten some media attention.
    • Edited: In the article “Why are Ultrasounds So Expensive?” Graham Jenson addresses a possible solution to the price of ultrasounds when he reveals, “Newcastle University is working on a $40-50 ultrasound which has gotten some media attention.
    • There was only one “states” within my essay.
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One thought on “Sentence Revisions

  1. Just to remind you of the goals, “says” and “states” are perfectly fine and useful words. They aren’t, however, standalone words. So if you had only written “Graham Jenson states that….” it would have been insufficient. Since you had already included contextual information leading into the quote– the writer’s background and issue of concern– following that with “states” can be ok.

    The same is true for the other words we were looking at. Your goal is not to get rid of them entirely, but to use them as a map to your writing. Are you using the best words? Or could you make them more specific? That is the objective.

    So let’s look for a minute at this revision:

    Original: However, in today’s society there has been a gender division, and it seems that the most important thing about the baby is what color clothes you will be buying it.

    Edited: However, in today’s society there has been a gender division and this gender division has caused the most important thing about the baby, to become what color clothes the child will be wearing.

    Rather than repeating “gender division,” how could you convey your ideas? One of the first things to think about is which words are useful, and which are filler, and make a few cuts. Then, insert the verb that better captures what your subject is doing.

    However, today’s society emphasizes gender division, and our dedication to distinguishing girls from boys seems to suggest that clothing color is the most important feature of the baby.

    When “has been” becomes “emphasizes” (or some other active verb) the sentence becomes much clearer, and much livelier. Then, rather than repeating the key term from the first clause, show how kind of action it leads to. So “gender division” becomes “dedication to distinguishing girls from boys.”

    Try similar edits with other sentences that seem to be baggy with extra verbiage.

    Like

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