Sentence Revisions

Original
These two unanticipated purposes for the use of the trash bag may not have been in the minds of the creators as items that should be put in trash bags for the transportation sake of their invention, should make more people think about what they are putting into their own trash bags instead of ignoring it.

Revised
These two unanticipated purposes for the use of the trash bag may not have been in the minds of the creators as items that should be put in trash bags for the transportation sake of their invention, should make more people think about what they are putting into their own trash bags instead of ignoring their types of waste.

Original
For all of the people that are too lazy to recycle items of waste because the trash bag makes it many times easier than carrying a box of bottles and cans, need to realize that there are trash bags that make it just as easy to recycle as it does to throw them away.

Revised
For all of the people that are too lazy to recycle items of waste because the trash bag makes the task of disposing of waste many times easier than carrying a box of bottles and cans, need to realize that there are trash bags that make disposing of waste as easy to recycle as it does to throw them away.

Original
Robert D. Bullard says “The inhabitants of many Houston’s black residential areas experienced greater health and environmental risks as a result of unregulated growth, ineffective regulation of industrial toxins, and public policy decisions authorizing construction of industrial facilities in the neighborhoods of those without political and economic clout” (45).

Revised
Robert D. Bullard explains that these health concerns are the products of neighboring landfills, causing “The inhabitants of many Houston’s black residential areas experienced greater health and environmental risks as a result of unregulated growth, ineffective regulation of industrial toxins, and public policy decisions authorizing construction of industrial facilities in the neighborhoods of those without political and economic clout” (45).

 

 

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One thought on “Sentence Revisions

  1. For a lot of these sentences, try to simplify and break them apart by idea. Many of the different parts of your sentences don’t quite connect to each other as they stand. So take your following revision as an example:

    Your revision:
    For all of the people that are too lazy to recycle items of waste because the trash bag makes the task of disposing of waste many times easier than carrying a box of bottles and cans, need to realize that there are trash bags that make disposing of waste as easy to recycle as it does to throw them away.

    By adding “for all of the,” you create an expectation that you are going to qualify this and explain that many others do recycle. So the first step is to cut that expression. Then, remember that often “that” can be cut from a sentence (though not always, so don’t do it unilaterally). Remember, too, that you want a clear connection between the subject (in this case, the lazy person) and what they are doing.

    More concise and clear revision:
    People who are too lazy to recycle their trash need to know that some trash bags make recycling waste as easy as throwing it away.

    Do this same kind of work on your other sentences: aim for clear, short sentences rather than lengthy writing.

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