Sentence Revisions

Original: With more patents and models of the latest styles and products coming from vending machines, it is unlikely we will see anything like that soon.

Revised: With more patents and models of the latest styles and products coming from vending machines, these desirable changes are unlikely to come soon.

Original: Alcoholism has been researched, discussed, and treated since the 1800s but that doesn’t mean that the presence and admiration for alcohol has subsided substantially.

Revised: Alcoholism has been researched, discussed, and treated since the 1800s but our enhanced education of the topic has not decreased the presence and admiration for alcohol in our society.

Original: Theft and robbery has always been around and will continue to be a presence in our lives but the temptation that many people mostly ignore can become too much when the victim of the act is no longer a young scared cashier or smart and intimidating manager, but is seemingly just the silent box lacking consciousness.

Revised: Theft and robbery has always been around and will continue to be a presence in our lives. Vending machines don’t help this by tempting many more people into committing crimes by removing the need to fear a young scared cashier or smart and intimidating manager, and simply being a large silent box lacking consciousness.

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One thought on “Sentence Revisions

  1. For your final revision starting with “theft and robbery,” I think the revision makes your point much harder to follow. Remember, the point is not just to swap out the words– the words are indicators that some kind of vagueness can be addressed. So in your original, you may want to simplify. Since the sentence is so long, break it into two pieces and then clarify what your subject is, and what it is doing.

    Original:
    Theft and robbery has always been around and will continue to be a presence in our lives but the temptation that many people mostly ignore can become too much when the victim of the act is no longer a young scared cashier or smart and intimidating manager, but is seemingly just the silent box lacking consciousness.

    Possible revision:
    Theft and robbery have always been around and will continue to be a presence in our lives. But while most people would ignore the urge to steal from a young, scared cashier, their temptation may become too much when the only barrier is a silent box lacking consciousness.

    This revision gets rid of one “is,” and it puts the onus back on the potential perpetrator. Makes sure that your other revisions help you hone in on your point, and that you don’t feel like you are only substituting words.

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