Sentence Revisions

Nominalizations

Original: One of the driving forces behind this is the unfamiliarity that younger people have with vinyl.

New: One of the driving forces behind this is that younger people are unfamiliar with vinyl.

Old: Record players went through a shift in their popularity, changing their significance from essential to music listeners to obsolete in terms of efficiency.

New:Record players went through a shift in how popular they were, changing their significance from essential to music listeners, to obsolete in terms of efficiency.

 

Is, it, this, that

O: While this is quite a bit of music it isn’t uncommon to most people today.

N: While I do listen to quite a bit of music, my habits are not uncommon to a majority of people.

O: This is due to the fact that “Music speaks to every man, woman and child-high or low, rich or poor, happy or despairing- who is sensitive to its deep and powerful message” (Stokowski).

N: The general love of music is because “Music speaks to every man, woman and child-high or low, rich or poor, happy or despairing- who is sensitive to its deep and powerful message” (Stokowski).

O: This is the gathering of raw materials, production, distribution, marketing process and the waste.

N: The gathering of raw materials, production, distribution, marketing process, labor and waste make up the environmental issues of record players.

Signal Phrases

Didn’t use “says” or “states”, as I mostly paraphrased the quotes I’m using right now.

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